A tiring night out - followed by a lack of refreshing dream sleep - means you'll feel tired the following morning. This is made worse as your body organs try to sort out the disruption you've caused, which also uses up energy.


UNDERSTAND WHAT ALCOHOL DOES TO YOUR BODY

They don't call it intoxication for nothing. Happy juice is poisonous. Put enough of it into your body and you die. What concerns us here, however, is not so much alcohol itself (which we'll take as a given) but the by-products of alcohol, and especially one particularly nasty chemical critter by the name of acetaldehyde. It's got a lot more of the bad kind of kapow, and the latest research suggests that it may be responsible for the worst of your hangover. Symptoms

After you ingest alcohol, your body breaks it down into (among other things) acetaldehyde, before converting it into less harmful substances. The acetaldehyde messes with your brain at the same time as a host of depleted minerals are short-circuiting your nervous system, and that's in addition to low blood sugar and the classic headache-and-dry-mouth symptoms caused by dehydration. The result: nausea, twitchy nerves, unpleasantness, pessimism, terrible brain pain, and a temporary suspension of the laws of gravity.

The severity of a hangover varies according to . . .

The amount you've guzzled in a given period of time Your own innate enzymatic capacity to deal with the poisons Your age Translation: the more you drink in a short amount of time, the more you'll feel the alcohol. One's weight is also a factor (the less you weigh, the more you'll feel it), as is a genetic predisposition. Finally, the older you get, the more you'll feel the alcohol the next morning.

- The rate at which one absorbs alcohol can depend on mood — increased adrenaline pushes alcohol through the system much faster. Therefore, feeling deeply depressed or ecstacially happy makes you drunk faster.

Prevention

Not drinking is the best form of prevention... but let's be realistic.

Look after your body and it will look after you - so avoid dehydration, protect the stomach lining and take it easy as far as the amount of alcohol you drink is concerned.

Before you go out, eat a good meal. On this occasion only, a fatty one is beneficial as fat is digested slowly and will protect the stomach from the irritating effects of alcohol. A glass of milk also protects the stomach and slows the absorption of alcohol.

While you're out, alternating water or non-fizzy soft drinks with alcoholic ones limits the amount of alcohol you consume. Avoid fizzy drinks as they increase the amount of alcohol getting into the bloodstream.

There's a theory that substances called congeners found in wine and spirit colourings and additives magnify the effects of a hangover and irritate the stomach lining. This may be why white wines and clear spirits such as vodka are said to cause fewer hangovers.

Walking home in the fresh air after a night out can help to reduce the effects of a hangover. If you can't manage this, take a taxi or get a lift from someone who's sober - never drive.

Before you go to bed, drink at least a pint of water and some orange juice - vitamin C speeds up the metabolism of alcohol by the liver. Eat some toast, too - a lack of sugar is responsible for that wobbly, trembling feeling and it will help to settle your stomach. A sports drink is a convenient alternative.

Time imbibing Women who drink right before menstruating when their estrogen level is low are more prone to get drunk and are more nauseated afterward than during the rest of their cycle.

Tomato juice To help stop the urge for alcohol drink a tangy drink, such as tomato with the juice of one lemon added.

Water One of the best preventive measures is to drink 2-3 large glasses of water before you go to bed. Drinking alcohol is very dehydrating and hydrating your system helps counteract the effects of the alcohol.

Hydrate your body. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Sure, you'll probably still wake up at 4 a.m. with hairbrush tongue and a desperate compulsion to hang your head under the faucet, but every glass of juice or water you force yourself to swallow now is worth two in the morning. Everyone knows that alcohol acts as a diuretic. In case those long hours at the urinal didn't tip you off, more is going out than coming in. You need to replace that liquid.

Pre-prepare an Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure. Unless you're certain you'll be capable of operating a blender in the morning, you might want to be kind to your future (potentially hungover) self and prepare one of these miraculous little cures. You'll thank your past self the next morning, when you're in a cold sweat, crawling slowly toward the fridge. So the lowdown is: eat, drink (water), and you'll be merry in the morning.

When you get home

Okay, you've had your fun, and staggered home-maybe threw up in the cab and forgot to leave a tip. Nothing to do now but attempt to remove any over-clothing or groupies that may have adhered to you and pass out within ten feet of the bed. Suddenly, your thoughts veer round like an oil tanker to the sobering realization that you've wrecked your poor body, and will surely pay for it in the morning. What can you do?

Have a pee. That'll save you at least one nocturnal trip to the bathroom.

Drain the contents of a very large, very full glass of water. Then refill, and drink some more. This will be surprisingly unpleasant, but must be done. If you prefer, drink some orange juice or Gatorade. The thing is, you need electrolytes, which will keep you hydrated.

Finally, remember that you shouldn't take analgesics (that is, headache medicine) of any kind at this stage. Some folks pop pills as a preventative, even though the inevitable headache hasn't yet arrived. This isn't a good idea. Aspirin upsets the stomach and aggravates the symptoms of a hangover. Acetaminophen (Tylenol), when mixed with the alcohol still in your bloodstream, might cause your liver to explode (best to avoid). If you want to take a pill, a multivitamin might help by replenishing some of the B vitamins you've pissed away during the course of the evening. Besides that, just drink lots of water, and rest easy in the knowledge that you have already pre-prepared one of our patented Almighty Hangover Emergency Cures and that it will be waiting for you in the morning.

Don't pass out! Your metabolism slows down when you're asleep, so your body takes longer to process and safely dispose of all that alcohol. This is how hangovers happen.

You are going to stay awake for at least an hour, so chat with a friend (or the cat), make a cup of tea (not coffee - that just dehydrates you more), do anything that keeps you awake. This may finally be a good time to post your first message to alt.whine or rec.pets.herp - there's no laws against drink-surfing.

You have to drink lots of water immediately. Dehydration is responsible for a major part of that hungover feeling. OK, you hate water - try Diet Coke or something, as long as it's not full of sugar. Drink at least 2 big glasses of it, whatever it is. And pop one of those B-complex vitamins; this may be a complete placebo, but I swear it does something.

Stay awake and scoff the occasional glass of water until you're only about half as drunk as you were, if not exactly sober. Now, go to bed - and when you wake up you won't feel nearly as ghastly as you would have without the extra awake time and the water. You may be pleasantly surprised by complete hangover absence if the impending hangover was likely to be mild; or if you were set for a major hangover, you'll get a mild one instead.

You will require something protein-heavy for breakfast (I favour grilled cheese on toast) - avoid lots of sugar. Have a coffee now, and extra water. Go out and face the day

Bananas are also a natural antacid to help with the nausea, and are high in magnesium which can help relax those pounding blood vessels causing that hangover headache. For a variety of reasons try a peanut butter, honey and banana sandwich on white bread.

Vitamin C - Another thing the alcohol takes out that you're advised to put back in as soon as possible. Orange juice, tomato, a 600mg Vitamin C tablet - doesn't matter, just do it.

A Hot Bath - The heat will sweat out the toxins that are causing all the problems. You'll feel a bit woozy at first but go with it and you'll feel better afterwards.

Chocolate Milk - This one was sent in by Michael and sounds like it's worth a try - "Regarding your hangover remedies, I would like to suggest chocolate milk. The store bought kind seems to work best, due to ease of attainment (unless you blew all your money at the bar hoping to get lucky), quietness (no loud banging of the teaspoon trying to mix the homemade stuff), and ease of use (the opening is the perfect fit when you have the jitters and no messy clean up). The suggested minimum dosage is the pint ( 1/2 litre) size, though the new quart (litre) can be used for extreme episodes. Other than the rehydration factor, I find that chocolate milk offers the tummy a soothing coating for the nausea. It also repletes some of the vitamins your body is now woefully lacking. The sugars (lactose & sucrose) and salt seem to be the perfect balance of the carb/salt fix. Many women can attest to the beneficial, relatively inexpensive, and legal effects of chocolate against depression.

If necessary, follow up with a dose of Maalox, lots of Gatorade, and bouillon soup for dinner. These ingredients will rehydrate your body, replace essential vitamins and minerals, and help rid your body of some of the toxic byproducts of metabolized alcohol.

For a headache that drugs don't seem to touch, try an icepack or a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel, 20 minutes on your head, 10 minutes off. There've been lots of hangover remedies over the centuries, from the Assyrian crushed swallows' beaks with myrrh to Rabbit Dropping Tea (though we think that it tastes a little raisin-y). Friends of ours have suggested everything from club soda to the classic Bull's Eye (OJ and a raw egg) to pickle brine straight from the pickle jar. But if you're looking for something substantial that actually prevents vomiting, invest in the necessary pills and keep your blender handy; the Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure, judiciously combined with the wise drinking practices detailed above, is for you.

More folks cures:

GRAB A NIPPLE Smudge tells us "a friend of mine said that drinking his wife's breast milk cured his hangovers when their baby was born. He tried cow milk after she stopped lactating, but said it didn't work like a woman's breastmilk. Creepy, eh?"

BURNT TOAST "I've never tried it, but I heard eating burnt toast will cure you hang over. Even if it doesnt, the terrible taste will take your mind off it for a while." There you have it, set yer toasters to 11.

SALT LICK CITY John Darce says, "My cultural anthropologist teacher said that some American Indian tribes used to run until they broke out in a sweat. They would then lick their sweat and spit it out, to get their body rid of the poison." But our friend Bob says, "the American Indians weren't introduced to alcohol until Europeans brought the stuff over." We'll be looking into this one, stay tuned.

EELY GOOD Soakers in the middle ages would down a plate of bitter almonds and dried eel. Pleasing to the palette? Perhaps not. But nutritious enough that it might just work.

EL LEMON In Puerto Rico, the local alcos cure hangovers by rubbing half a lemon under their "drinking arm." Not recommended after shaving, ladies. Although Guy Nicholls, from Wiltshire in England reckons it's the way you rub the lemon. Clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere, anticlockwise in the South.

YOODOO VOODOO Those spun out Haitan voodoo people recommend sticking thirteen black pins in the cork of the offending bottle. Worth a try. Harder with twist tops.

GET A SOOT FETISH In 19th Century England, chimneysweeps swore by the healing properties of a long, warm, soot milkshake. Yum, yum, yum.

SHEEP BALLS In Outer Mongolia, drunks are said to slurp down a pickled sheep's eye in tomato juice. No wonder they're so bad tempered.

WILD WEST HARE DOO Apparently, in the Wild Wild West, whisky-swilling cowboys swore by a stiff cup of rabbit-poo tea. As if that morning breath wasn't bad enough already.

ASSYRIAN PASTE Josh Handest, from North Carolina USA, says that in South Africa you eat Assyrian Paste, "It is apparently made with 1 teaspoon of ground swallow's beak and a teaspoon of myrrh mixed together. (Oh yeah, let me just grab that out of the fridge!). They recommend eating it as quickly as possible and washing it down with a glass of water."